X files

hey

long time no blog

this question has always been on my mind

since forever........

forever friends

true love

does it really exist?

or is it just another chapter in a fairytale?

another X-file that remains unsolved for me

and DBSK is no longer the same to me..
besides the obvious fact there are only 2 ppl in that grp

both JYJ & DBSK look sad to me.....

where is the love people...

maybe eventually i ll get use to it
like when Uchi got suspended from NewS
like when jaebom left 2pm..

right...

but my question will still be unanswered

selamat hari raya aidiladha...but i m postcall...goodnight

new posting but same old me....
when i first started housemanship
i always thought a 3rd poster and above is damn canggih
now in those shoes
i don't think it's all that great
but great enough to know houseman training is just 3 postings away....without extensions..huhu

there are still so many things that i don't know
so many things to learn each day
but i was lucky in my early days in this new posting
the MO s i had to work with are damn nice

even though one made me get him the free Sun newspaper everyday
he was damn cool with me & taught me a lot of procedures
letting me do a pleural tapping, pleural biopsy & chest tube all on my 1st day of tagging
i was so damn scared since it's my 1st time but lucky he was there to supervise

another Mo always had a mask like face but is very nice...most of the time
the other times he just like to berleter to me...
all because
i m kinda slow
clumsy
careless
and i didn't know a lot of things
but he supervise my 1st peritoneal dialysis...which is the reason why i m quite good at it..haha
and yes he corrected my mistakes & taught me a lot
so what if he likes to berleter to me
he thinks i look too young......hohohoohohohhoo
*me thinks that's why MOs like to ask me how old are you question...problem solve..haha*

currently i m in a cubicle where the lioness of the department resides..huhu
following rounds alone is so damn scary
that i dread days my dearest cubicle mates get to escape to go down for clinics
the reason i m NOT dead yet is prolly because i had the please-don't-kill-me-yet-look during rounds...haahha
and i think she likes my sticky traditional hand-made yummy which i m so addicted to right now after i offered her one day

*gambar hiasan onli k...my candy jar is so pretty & colouful....assorted flavors ^^*

only available at 1utama for the time being

lets pray this sweeties get to tame the lioness for the time being
while i start being smarter
please God help me~

daydreaming~

if i m not what i am right now..

i would prolly travel around to draw pictures of whatever i like

or open a bakery just because i love cakes & desserts so so much

or open a kindergarten because i love the house/kindergarten my lil sister's friend's mother own in the corner lot of a housing area where i usually walk to pasar malam with mama...just cause it looks homey & fun

or become a stewardess just because i like traveling & to see new places

maybe i would love japan so much in one of those travels

i would stay & learn to be a manga-ka

or stumble into a secret organization to be recruited as a GUNDAM pilot with cool alias..haha

the grass always looks greener on the other side of where we are standing...that i know i should be grateful with what i have...

but i doesn't hurt to dream of what ifs...right?

hello ^^

the apple tree

Girls
are like
apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree. The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree.

age is just a number?

lets play a game of

you know you are getting older if....

you start sleeping at 9-10 pm

you just get tired so damn easily

you start eating less

but you don't really lose weight

you listen to light and easy on the radio

you start giving money to your parents...instead of the other way round

you have your own car

you drive your parents around

you think kids are cute

you wear ahjumma style but comfy sandals to work

you missed out on fandom

you stop fangirling

you don't see your besties for soooo looonnnnggg

you are overly sensitive about everything.....

and just cry cry cry.....

so how old are u all?

being mama

finally end posting holidays that i ve been waiting for have come

of course passing the posting with flying colours makes it all the better

i almost woke up the usual time to work today

when i realize

i m sleeping in my oooo sooo commmfyy bed...
and i didn't have to go to work ^^
how i miss the privilege to wake up late....
and so i did
though not too late
woke around 9 today to see mama was already awake *of course..duh* watching k drama as usual on kbs
mama wanted to make me breakfast but i said i was not hungry yet & i didn't want to disturb mama watching her daily dose of k drama

anyway she made me eat breakfast after the show ended
and we had a peaceful and of course YUMMY with a capital Y breakfast ^^
my tummy was practically singing in joy after breakfast
God knows how long i ve ate breakfast like this with mama
since started working usually i would wake up, shower ,skip breakfast and dash to work....
thinking about it mama...i pity mama having to eat breakfast alone everyday
even i hate eating all alone
no wonder mama seems to lose weight lately
everyone is just too occupied with stupid work...including me~

mama was doing laundry after breakfast
wanted to help out but she insisted i rest since i don't really have much holidays
so i was watching the awesome slave hunter series *i know i m super ketinggalan zaman* while observing mama

episode 1 of slave hunter
= mama doing laundry & gardening

episode 3 of slave hunter
= mama preparing lunch

episode 4
= had lunch with mama

episode 5
= mama reading newspaper ,than started sewing something & watching something on KBS

episode 6
= mama preparing food for dinner & making karipap

episode 7
= dinner with mama, abang & dad + watching happiness in the wind on KBS

episode 8
= watch news + sewing something + preparing something *food i guess because we are going K.L next day...must be la..mama always prepare food ^^ *

episode 9
= iron clothes
= pack some stuff for K.L trip

episode 10
= mama went to sleep because she had to wake up early to prepare food for those chibis in K.L

fast forward to ep 15
= LOL i was on calling all night watching slave hunter because it was so damn addictive
= mama woke up to see me who didn't sleep whole night
= prepared me tea & started cooking......

i told mama i kesian having her stay all alone at home
she said it s OK
she has flowers & plants in the garden she would talk to if we are not around
but she's more than happy when we called
mama never like going K.L
but since lil chibis are there
she is more than happy to be there with everyone of us cramped up in a hotel room ^^

anyway tomorrow is 1st October
the birthday of the cutest & best mom in the whole wide world
my MAMA
and not to mention also mama & dad's wedding anniversary
so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA & HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MAMA & DADDY!!!

thank you for raising this difficult child
and may GOD bless u with all the happiness in life
love u always mama ^^

menjual ikan

i am selfish....

in a way

i guess

i realize i value my sleep more than other things....

i am selfish

maybe...

that i don't really think about other people's feeling

taking everything for granted

i am selfish

yes...

for making my dad or brother fetch me to & from work

i am selfish

sadly

that i don't really help mama with housework

i am selfish

i guess

for not realizing all this and more...

and soo...

i will keep this in mind
try to change
or just keep it for next new years resolution ..hoho

-the end-

i never thought i would ..... .hahah

i never thought i would last housemanship this long

i never thought i would pass a posting with so much racism

i never thought i would pass end posting the best in batch

i never thought that my M.O would actually trust me with a lot of stuff

i never thought i would actually like a person who is soooo not my type *i guess appearance don't matter now that we are working*

i never thought i would reject another person ........ again~~

i never thought others would think me as a very social person..haha

i never thought i would be likeable?

i never thought my specialist would think me as the 1 malaysia girl

i never thought i would miss my darlings sooo much

i never thought i would be best buddies with V & J

i never thought about a lot of stuff

well maybe it's because my brain is just empty...haha

i m sorry that i hurt u

i know most of the time i can be oblivious of everything around me

sometimes i choose to ignore what i don't want to see

in the end......

people get hurt

after realizing it i just don't know how to make it right again

i don't want people to hate me...

but other people's feeling is not something i can control

and s*** la i dunno what i ll do if that person becomes my MO in the end T.T

i just wanna make it right again >.<

wanted

WANTED

lil miss chibi who has a big heart & equally big brain
lil miss sunshine who is always there for a friend & makes everything right again

lil miss fun who is always ever ready doing something random & fun

i miss "jaebom" girls so much..haha
i miss our carefree days~

misunderstood

i don't speak their language

nor do i have the same brain wavelenght as a 6th poster

but there is always two sides to a story

and obviously mine is opposite to theirs...

s T u c K

funny how over the past few months that i've started housemanship
there are already 3 houseman coincidentally who are all close to me and had always advise me to be strong suddenly decided to quit........

1st one to go was a colleague when i was in O&G
she was one of the excited senior houseman who wanted me to be in their team
she was one of the best partners i had when i had to be on call
she was one of the people who would comfort me when i cry
buy me food when i m on call
give sisterly advise
and had fun & laughs together......
and all of a sudden
she had a family crisis
couldn't take the stress
and left........

2nd was my roomie
a senior whom i knew in med school
she always told me to ignore everything
just do my work
come back
and forget everything
brought me out to dinner & movies
invited her to her wedding
after getting married
things got harder for her to handle the stress
she had a supportive & not to mention wealthy hubby who is more than happy for her to quit
but she didn't want to disappoint her family
in the end
she did just that
quit..
for once she just wants to do what she wants

3rd was someone i knew when i was in O&G
because i would meet her when she does she periphery paeds call
and somehow we ended in the same department
she is awesome & really knew her stuff
learn quite a lot from her when i was tagging
there were no signs
out of the blue a resignation letter was submitted
she wanted to help her husbands business.......

they left me wondering
with what i should do
i really want to quit
life is just too hard for me to handle
and i hate this job

but if i quit...
i still have no plans for the future
i would be penniless
i would disappoint my family
i would not be able to travel
i would be a fat potato couch
i would be a burden
i would have to eat mushrooms........

yeah i m stuck
where s my prince charming when i need him????
or i should just join AF like my MO told me too..hahah..as if i have talent

anyway i know most people would smack me in the head if i do this
esp "BFF" & guardian *though guardian know nothing about this cause i m always evading..hahah*
and my family?

so again where's my prince charming?
where are u JAE????

till we meet again

u & i may say hi

be friendly to each other
smile as if we mean it

but

at the end of the day
it's not how many friends we made that counts

it' s those who stayed during the good & bad times that counts
no matter how few there are
which is the case most of the time~~

i guess i have to be thankful for that few that i have...
thanks for accepting the troublesome awkward not perfect me as i am
oo yes i m really missing you all right now...

till we meet again my darlings~

yeah whatever. .. . . . . . .. . ..

when you are a houseman
its always the h.O's fault no matter what
though it doesn't apply to all
but in my case it does...damn~

situation 1 :-
it's wrong to come to the clinic too early

example :-
HO arrived at clinic at 745am
MO : why are you here so early
HO : i though we have to come down for clinics early??
MO : yeah but you know...anything a houseman do is wrong...
HO thinks yeah whatever la....

situation 2 :
it's wrong to have your breakfast before starting clinics

example :-
MO :- hoi koranggggggggg....makan sebelum tgk patient?????
HO :- errr...xde BHT lagik...so ktrg mkn dulu...
MO : korg mmg laaa...

situation 3 :-
it's our fault as well that some oncall people took E.L although we came to work & on calls

example :-
LR nurse : doctor xde orang oncall nih..org labour room sume post call & nk blk dh
HO : tp MO sy blom rounds ward lg...tp xpe la sy pg kjp

few minutes later....
ward nurse : doctor MO dh dtg dia suro dtg buat rounds
HO : aaaaaa kejapppp....sy x abes clerk case & tgh buat ARM..huhuh..kejap kejap 5 minutes..

after few repeated calls by nurse & ARM & completed clerking later ..........

ran like crazy

MO : mana kamu pegiiii???
HO : err xde org kt labour room...
MO : mn org laen pg...sape lg oncall
HO : sy x tau *malas nk get people into trouble & malas nk layan MO*
MO : korg nihhh maken ramai h.O maken byk buat hal.....
HO : ..................... *when is this all this H.O s fault..plz tell me*

situation 4:-
it's our fault that someone brainless forgot to dispose the blue scrubs properly...

specialist : who was oncall yesterday

oncall HOs raise hand

specialist : ok...where did u put away your blue scrubs
HO : in the bin at labour room

annoying sister : tapi ada baju biru kt wad terbiar je

MO : this girl she on call that ward that night
HO : but i put the scrubs in the bin
specialist : got any witness ?
HO : not sure~~~
*but why would i go all the way to that ward which don't have shower and dump it there...when i could shower in the labour room changing room and throw it right there....duh~*

later that evening ----> oncall people cannot wear blue scrubs anymore

yeah...put the blame on the H.Os again..for all we know other people could wear it as well~~~
and i kinda have a good idea who........

situation 5 :-
it's your fault that you can't trace a old notes

example 1 :-
MO : mn folder yg sy suro awak trace
HO : errr...x dpt jumpa lagi
MO : cepat sket carik tuh cik kak...

apparently the MO thinks the poor HO buat keje x ikhlas..........ok whatever

example 2 :-
patient : nape xde old notes....awak igt sy sape haaaaaaa...cuba tgk nihhh
HO : errr....*looks at the front of folder...mmm isteri Pengarah tut tut tut*......
patient : saya x nk tgk doktor pelatih bagi saya tgk pakar

yeah just because you are some datin wanabe & rich you don't have to be so rude...it's not the HOs job to find it or that it cant be found.........
and if you are soooo rich & so datin wanabe just go to the private hospital laaaa...no need to add more people on clinic daysss!!!!!

and that's only 10% of what's happening.....
i m too frustrated to write all 100 thousand more..haishh

anyway can i just quit
i m going loco~

21 guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

not what it seems?

i m officially a push over
and "stepmother" & her croonies knows that *yeay*

but "MAYBE" there is a good side to stepmother.....

one day
when i had to stay back to clear up all the cases pending
she was oncall and saw me struggling to finish the never ending cases...
she was shocked to see me there because she knew i was not oncall
she actually said.......
"i hope you pass your viva...you better do your best ok!"
"and go back la....pass over your cases to the oncall people..bye bye"

that is after months of being bossed around with her loud shrilly voice that i fear for my ears going deaf...lol XD XD

yeah like in the drama Cinderella's stepsister maybe there is another side to my evil stepmother too..hahaha...as if~~~

all that's left for me is the prince charming
where are you.....
how come i didn't meet you yet?

but life's never a fairytale ...no?

wonder woman

paranoid

the 2nd month in O&G already
but there are still lots of things i m not sure of & of course don't know

1 thing i know for sure is.........
it's hard to find someone we can trust here
they are just as talented as a chameleon
i m amazed at how these people can talk sooooo nicely & smile to that one person
and then bitch about them later on
ok
so i think it's fine if they rant their hearts out to another houseman if they feel irritated with that person
but to bitch about them to the M.O just for a small problem
i feel pity for that person...
haishhhh

i don't want to think that some of these people might be doing the same thing to me

but somehow they might just have~~

yep

i m being paranoid

but it's better safe than sorry~~

please come before 5pm

i officially HATE on calls & eods....

and being jonah is not a good thing

i don't think there is any history in ward 4 (gynae ward)
until i was oncall in that ward that night
that there was 2 ruptured ectopics both pon haemodynamically unstable...both pon mula mula kononnyeh miscarriage..until la scan done....haishhh~~~~

not to mention yg time nk resuscitate & sebok sebok prepare OT sorg2 la *coz i was the only houseofficer there* nak ada sudden influx of patients...........pulls hairrr

i was practically on the verge of tears trying to finish clerking everyone...plus have to monitor people coming in for high BP...........
plus the nurses that time not helping langsung
lagi tambah kerja for me ada laaaaaaaa
"doktor branula kena set laen la"
"doktor kena amek FBC post transfusion la"
"doktor patient saket sgt perot laaaaaaaa"
etc etc............
WTHHHHHHHHHHH...........
leave me alone laaaaaaaaaa
i have gazzilionsssss of people to clerkkkk & examine...
and u not even helping sgt monitor BP..haishhhhhhhh
happily sitting around gossiping when i havent even taken my bath nor eaten

and so people please laaaaaaa...

to mothers to be

if u decide to have PV bleed or high BP that day..please la come before 5
there are a lot of houseofficers to layan u that time..........
sekian terima kasih~~

btw today there is a code blue in my hospital
*the day before was Code Red kt labour room-->eclampsia*
and suddenly thought of a certain konon nyeh-out-of-bed-hairdo Doctor Aizawa Kosaku..hahha it's been a looooooong time since i fangirl with my darlingss
i sooo miss everyone ~~~

can't wait for that meet up..hihi
till we meet again
me off to ZzZzZZzzz land another on call tomorrow...i hate eods!!

p/s :- plz pray that i wont b jonah again...